The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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