I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Still dying that you shit outside
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
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