I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
