my vag is so smooth its legendary
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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