I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
