Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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