He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
