I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize