apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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