By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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