He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
