just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
