I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
