My liver just broke up with me...
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
