im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
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