I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
