Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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