Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
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