I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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