i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
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