I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
