you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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