..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize