I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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