The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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