fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
