At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
