you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
