and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
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