So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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