I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
