Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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