Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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