I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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