so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
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