When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
