We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Randomize
