we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
