sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
We left the knife in your bed.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
