hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
