I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
