just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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