I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
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