i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
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