I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Randomize
