Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
