remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
