i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
