I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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