She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
