Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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