my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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