I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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