my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
