I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
