so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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